I Don't Want To Be Married To You Anymore

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"I Don't Want To Be Married To You Anymore"

- by Dan W. Dooley

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* See my updated thoughts at the bottom.

I have been shocked to hear that phrase repeated to me too often. "She said she just didn't want to be married to me anymore." Almost without exception the speaker has said that while not quite believing it, and in almost a questioning tone. Why?

No marital infidelity on the part of either party. No abuse, either physical or mental. So, why? She simply lost the feelings she had previously held for him and decided that a change was in order. After perhaps years of marriage, priorities, interests, education and even maturity differences create gaps and the people they are now are not the young, idealistic and romantic couple they once were. They have perhaps become strangers in a sense with little in common.

So what happens? Why does it come as such a surprise to the rejected party? In all such cases I've encountered, there is a sense of disbelief on the part of the one left behind. To all outward signs the marriage was ideal. Of the couples I have known personally, I've certainly seen nothing to hint that troubles lay in store for them. There were no visible stresses, and no periods of separation revealing that all was not well with the relationship.

We don't know the "whole story," as they say. Relationships hold many secrets from outsiders and even the closest of friends. Even the affected party, may be unaware, or ignoring problems within the marriage.

I'm not trying to analyze the "whys" of such broken marriages. I'm not qualified professionally and besides, I don't know all of the underlying reasons. If you are dealing with relationship problems, please seek counseling. For a marriage to succeed and last, requires hard work. On the part of BOTH partners.

Things happen and things sometimes go very wrong. Under no circumstances would it be wise, or in God's will for you to remain in a dangerous situation. There is a time to get away to safety. Get out and get out now. While you can.

We as Christians are quick to point out the casual way the World throws away marriages. Celebrity weddings which make a mockery of the sacredness of marriage. Never taken seriously, and only honored until the feeling goes away. Often lasting a very few years at most and sometimes mere weeks to months. I'm not addressing this to unbelievers. It's Christians who this happens to all too often. We think we should be immune from such failures but we're not. The divorce rate among Christians aligns all too closely with that of the World. That's simply wrong, folks!

God intended marriage to be permanent. He did not mean for you to simply decide one day that you want out of it. He did not give you permission to simply decide you don't want to be married to your spouse, and walk out. The World may make a mockery of the permanence of marriage but you must not. That is if you intend to be in God's will.

"But you don't know my situation!"

No I don't. I'm not going to judge your situation. I'm asking you to do that. What does God's Word say about your situation? Can you search God's Word and find a rationale for leaving your spouse? Jesus allowed only one reason for divorce. That was for marital infidelity.

"Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because your hearts were hard. But it was not this way from the beginning. I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, and marries another woman commits adultery." Matt 19:8-9 NIV

I am not here addressing marriages so afflicted. If there are problems within the relationship, seek godly counseling. I am speaking to those who for reasons other than marital infidelity have chosen to break the marriage bonds and go their own ways.

God made marriage a covenant. "They shall become one flesh." (Gen. 2:24 NAS) Marital infidelity breaks that covenant. No other reason chosen for divorce breaks that covenant and thus for any other reason, Jesus made it clear that you are entering into the realm of adultery.

The Apostle Paul commands:

To the married I give this command (not I, but the Lord): A wife must not separate from her husband. But if she does, she must remain unmarried or else be reconciled to her husband. And a husband must not divorce his wife. 1 Cor 7:10-11 NIV

If you leave your spouse, you are living outside of God's will. He goes even further. What of the case of a believer married to an unbeliever? Don't think that you are automatically free to leave either.

To the rest I say this (I, not the Lord): If any brother has a wife who is not a believer and she is willing to live with him, he must not divorce her. And if a woman has a husband who is not a believer and he is willing to live with her, she must not divorce him. 1 Cor 7:12-13 NIV

He added his own opinion on this rather than a command from The Lord. It certainly lines up with the integrity of the marriage covenant. The unbelieving spouse may decide to leave. In that case, you as the believer are innocent. Paul says, "A believing man or woman is not bound in such circumstances." (vs. 15) Outside of the bounds of safety as I have already mentioned and the occasion of marital infidelity, God's will is for the marriage to remain intact. It is a sacred institution and should be treated accordingly.

Please consider carefully what you are doing if you are contemplating leaving your spouse for reasons not excused by God. Not only are you causing pain to the one you leave behind, as well as any children in your marriage, but you are grieving God who looks at marriage as such a tight bonding as to make the two of you no longer two separate individuals but "one flesh" and as a representation of His relationship to His Church. Totally inseparable.

God did not create divorce. The hardness of man's heart created it. It was never God's will. It still isn't. Not all troubled marriages are going to be saved. That does not mean that we must give up the fight so easily. What we as frail humans can not accomplish, God can. That is if we'll allow Him to take charge of our lives and if we will determine to live according to His Will and best plans for our lives. Commit your mariage to Him. Seek help if needed. Determine that you are going to love your spouse. Love doesn't "happen." It's made. Make Christ the center of your lives together. The Three of you: you, your spouse and Christ will create the strongest of bonds. Just as He from the very beginning intended.

Update: Some time has passed since I published this article. I feel that I should clarify some things related to the intent of the topic and the target audience. I can not stress enough the statement that when there are situations within a marriage which make it impossible for you to live in peace and safety, and holding onto even the basic dignities God intended for you to have as a human being, then you must separate yourself from that situation. I am not addressing in this article marriages which have been dysfunctional even from the start. I think that there are some marriages which are simply wrong. That may sound contradictory to my other statements concerning the God ordained nature of marriage, but I believe it to be true and not contradictory to God's will. If we have entered into a relationship outside of God's will, we leave ourselves open to troubles and failures within our relationships. If one of the partners has so departed from the will of God that the marriage relationship is destroyed, or who has abandoned the marriage, this article is not addressing your situation at all. I am here speaking to those who have had a marriage which all involved, especially the married partners have known to have been God blessed. One in which one of the parties simply makes the choice to end the marriage for reasons not justifiable in God's sight.

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Dan W. Dooley is husband, father, grandfather, and creator and owner of Dooley's Treasure Chest. He is an ordained minister in affiliation with United Christian Faith Ministries (UCFM).